Mom. It sounds so strange to say. Mom. I am a mom. There’s an unexpected disconnect, being a mom to a tiny micro-preemie in the NICU. I’m a mom to a baby I am deeply bonded to, but cannot hold, kiss, or press to my chest. A baby who is apart from me. A beautiful little girl in a clear box. A tiny Snow White, confined to her isolette until she is released from her spell.
This rollercoaster journey is an indescribably difficult one. In the NICU every sight and sound has a meaning. Each ding and beep, every low whisper. A sigh, a head tilt, an eyebrow lift, a low laugh or smile. All a sign of the moment’s success or failure. As a deeply empathetic and emotional person, I feel the weight of each of these micro moments. A success can feel like a mountain, a setback a deep well.
Overall, Penny is climbing the mountain. Our tiny babe is growing. I look at her in her isolette and she seems so incredibly big, she’s double the size she was when she came into this world. Despite the challenges, I feel like she’s conquering, from a tiny David to a Goliath. But then I look around the NICU, I see the other babies, and I feel my feet touch the ground. I realize my babe is still very small and extremely sick. Still just a tiny David and her mountain an Everest, fraught with dangerous precipices.
There are days, like yesterday, when things begin so well but then go completely sideways. Her blood pressures were dangerously low, her blood work was all over the place, and the team begins to suspect the big bad wolf might be just around the corner. Things like sepsis, infection, or NEC. She’s now on a continuous dose of high stress steroids to bring her numbers back inline, a dose which is higher than 95% of other babies her size and age. It scares me.
The team tweaks and problem solves, slowly testing their theories in the safest way they know how, aiming to keep her stable. To us, the process seems painfully slow. We wait, in agony, silently willing our child to make it through each hurdle, to conquer each climb.
Despite the scary days, I catch myself daydreaming about the future. The day we bring her home, her first word, her first bite of food, the day Rick teaches her how to ride a bike. But then, I quickly ground myself. My insatiable desire to be a part of her future is something I constantly keep at bay. It scares me to imagine a life I may never have. I have to stay here, present, with her in each moment. She’s here now and that’s enough.
My sweet Penny, each day you are still here is a gift, bringing a joy that fills a mothers heart in a way I never thought possible. I love you Penny. Mom loves you.
Comments
Lovely hearing of Penny’s growth! We continue to pray for each of you and the many hills and mountains in your path. God bless you with peace and comfort as you walk this troublesome journey.
Rhonda Hewitt
Love and strength to the three of you!
She loves you too. I’m looking forward to the day when she tells you herself.
Lord, have mercy on Rick and Jenny, as Daddy and Mommy, and their sweet daughter, Penny. Give them strength and comfort during this unimaginably hard time.
You 3 are in our prayers. Penny is a fighter!!
Penny feels your love and thoughts with your touch. You are a family.
Hello, Rick & Jenny, I’m sending love and Blessings to you and your precious Baby, Penny.
We are continuing in prayers for all of you
and for the medical staff who are attending Penny. She is a little fighter. Love you.
Lord, in your mercy, hear our prayer for Penny, for her parents, for her doctors and nurses.
Praying for all of you ……
I found a penny on my walk the other day. I passed it by thinking, “Oh, it’s just a penny”, then immediately thought, “What am I doing”? I picked it up and put it in my jacket pocket. I’m keeping it there for now so when I wear that jacket and put my hand in that pocket, I will remember, and say a prayer for the three of you.
Dear Jenny, I feel you all very close. I pray God’s continuous blessings to you all and for all these daydreams to come true. One day at a time. She is the miracle we all need to see. By the way we found a penny this week and it’s going to be sent to Penny’s little piggy as soon as we can. Keep strong you are not alone. We send you a big tight hug.
She’s a fighter Jenny! She loves you and Rick too!! Her mom and dad. I believe she knows you both. She is a blessing g and I 🙏 those blessings keep coming to you all. Much love. Penny
Our prayers for baby Penny and family continue!