A Mothers Day Wish

Tomorrow is Mothers Day and Penny has been gone for almost 3 weeks. Three weeks of processing my grief. Three weeks of tears, anguish, and joy in her memory. Three weeks of desperately missing my little girl, wishing that she was here with me on this of all days.

Through my grief I often transport myself back to my days in the NICU. Analyzing every moment, reimagining the nuances of her movement, the sounds, the feelings. The firm grasp of her tiny hand. Her little toes curling around my finger at my touch. Seeing her sweet little eyes open, discovering her world for the first time. Feeling her feisty kicking as I change a diaper. Seeing her gently sucking on her breathing tube as she slept, as if she had a tiny pacifier. Memories both joyful and painful. A mix of emotions that only grief can embody.

Nothing can prepare you for the loss of a child, but leaning on others can help you navigate your pain, your grief. My mother has been such a balm to me in these past weeks. Gifting me with the wisdom of a mother who has experienced grief, loss, and has come out the other side. Her comfort and strength has meant so much, she’s given me peace and hope.

It’s fitting that Mother’s Day coincides with spring. It represents renewal and rebirth. The promise of a warm summers day just on the horizon. On April 23rd that promise was momentarily realized. We held Penny’s celebration of life. The day was perfect, like a warm summers evening in the midst of a cold rainy April. The air was sweet with the scent of the growing grass, the evening lit up with the soft glow of candles and lights. Full of the sounds of friends and family, tears and laughter. Perfect.

In honor of Mothers Day, I wanted to share the best moments. The outpouring of love from friends, family, and strangers — photos from Penny’s celebration, and some photos and videos from our time with her in the NICU. I wanted to share my grief and my hope.

There’s a terrible truth to grief. It does get better. There are still times when the grief is overwhelming, and nothing but tears can sooth that deep wound. I often find myself in that place, but I try not to let myself cling to it, as if my pain is the last vestige that connects me to my sweet Penny. I know that is a lie. She is in the moments of joy, she’s in the sweet memories, she’s in Rick, she’s in me, her very existence embodies hope.

My wish for you all on this Mothers Day is that you find hope and embrace joy when it meets you. In the things that are bittersweet. In loss. In grief. In those moments of deep pain. The hope is there, I know it is. Each time I think of my sweet Penny I feel it, and I try my best to welcome it in.

Happy Mothers day to you all, from Jenny, Rick, & Penny.

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